She's not the worst baby in the world.

I was complaining last night about how I can never leave my baby, within an hour my husband is phoning me, saying she needs me. I felt resentful. I was angry at my husband because he couldn't handle her. I was jealous of my friends with their freedom - all of THEIR husbands were at home putting THEIR babies to bed, and I showed up late, and had to leave early, because my baby SUCKS.

Today I was tired, and headachy, and I was trying to vacuum and baby was whining becuase she hates the vacuum. I was pissed off because I hate it that I can't vacuum because she cries, and I hate it that I have a messy house and I never get to stay out for more than an hour and I need to work more and it's not happening because now she's having 45 minute naps. And she was whining and I got mad and I picked her up and sat her down on the couch, not gently, and left her there while I finished the vacuuming. Then my husband came up and picked her up, surprising me, and I felt really ashamed because I wasn't being nice to her.

Tonight just before bed I read my favourite blog. I don't usually have these epiphanies when I read knitting blogs, but Stephanie really makes me think.




She was talking about children, and how they're people too, and how those people need their mummies, some more than others. And as I read it, I realized, it's not ME. I'm not putting up with this baby because I'm a sucker and I can't figure out how to make her sleep better without me. And she won't settle for Dan, not because he's not trying hard enough, but because she's stubborn and wilful and knows what she needs. It's not just what she wants, it's what she needs, and thank goodness she's persistent enough to remind us where our priorities should be right now.

My baby is fine. She's perfect. She just needs her mommy. A lot. More than most kids, definitely. And that's just the way she is right now. And what am I going to accomplish by trying to break her from that? I'll probably traumatize her. You should see how excited she gets when I come home after walking to the store 15 minutes away. She squeals, she jumps up and down, oh my God it's unbelievable, why would I want to detach from that? It's priceless, it's pure joy.











So no, I don't need to work those extra hours, I need to cut back on my spending so I don't have to work those hours. I don't need to go out to girls' night, I can host it here. I don't need to get mad at Dan when he can't get her back to sleep, I need to love him for trying so hard and help him figure this daddy thing out.

I'm going to log off, and go upstairs, and cuddle my baby in my bed and stop thinking about what everybody else thinks. She's perfect.



BTW - The photos in this post are about a month old, by the way, when we went to Chicago. I'll put some new photos up as soon as I can find the #$!#^% USB cable. And that stands for a word that starts with mother and ends with ucking. But this is a G-rated blog (more or less - the party last night was a passion party...oh my...)

I'm making a shawl!

And one of these nights when I have a couple of hours to spare I'll upload the photos and a link to the pattern. And I'll look up the pattern and tell you what it is. I do have the ball band here, it's Pastimes Space Oddity, a hand-dyed laceweight I scored while in Chicago. Did I post about Chicago? Awesome trip, totally fun. Ill post pics when....well, you know.

Anyway, the shawn was started in the van on the way to Notre Dame to see DH's family (his 86 year old grandmother is quite possibly the most amazing person - I know everyone says that but she truly is - she is a dynamo, so witty and quick...I think actually a bit wittier than her kids at times ;-)) - anyway, I started it, went to row 33, and realized I was short a stitch. Of course I was too arrogant to use a lifeline, so I had to frog back to the 22nd row, with a bit of fudging the numbers (adding a YO) to make it fit. So it's a little bit arsed up in the beginning but I'm confident that it will work out in blocking. Of course, I should frog the entire thing and start over, it's only 35 rows, but I truly don't think the recipient will even notice it, and my knitting time limited, and precious - I love completing things, and I love knitting them...the first time. I hate HATEEEE frogging, it really upsets me, so I'm pretty okay with living with my mistakes.

I also finished a baby shrug for K from Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran, it's so soft I want to do things that would be pretty inappropriate for a G-rated blog with it. She, of course, refuses to wear it. I might give it to her cousin, it's a wee bit big anyway, maybe she'll wear a pink one. And I want to start a fair isle for her as well (another Debbie Bliss - actually a combination of two of her patterns). And she'll probably refuse to wear it too.

And I now have inventory for sale, I'm debating whether to use Etsy or Cloth Diaper Supplies...we'll see what the financial aspect tells me - I have four soakers for sale plus a pair of size small longies, and I'm about to cast on some NB longies in organic wool for a friend. And socks for Dan. I abandoned Ice Queen (it sucked in the Malabrigo and now it's spring, though I did score some kidsilk haze in Chicago too) and Jonna (stupid yarn was too stiff it looks like crap).

Back to my sock.

why the f(*Y am I doing this again???

I was feeling pretty discouraged about being a lawyer, I really do not feel I am getting better every day at what I do, and I feel like I'm just stalled, if not going backward, in terms of proficieincy at research and cross-examination. I feel like I'm capable and competent, but I don't feel clever anymore - I don't feel like the little superstar I once was, and I don't like feeling...average, I guess. I don't know if it's being a sole practitioner, or a mom working only part time, or what..I just don't like that feeling that I'm not engaged in my profession. Part of me is looking forward and thinking the next baby is at least 9 months away and how much longer am I going to work like this and keep my career on hold? It's not much fun, I'm in this limbo where I can't focus only on the home and our family and taking care of everybody (which I love love love doing), and knitting and being useful is those ways...because I have to damned job that worry about constantly.

And when I'm working, I feel like family is holding me back from achieving my career potential, and I'm a feminist who shouldn't want to sell knitted things, and take care of her family, and quit her job for a few years.

I really needed to just sit down and do a few hours of work tonight, because as I slog through the backlog of emails and make sure I've taken care of everything I need to, and written down all my hearing dates, and added postage to my postage meter and filed my RST return and...

then I thought, I should really blog this...there has got to be someone else out there, maybe they've lurked on the blog and never commented...but there has got to be someone out there, who really, really loves her career and her children and who wants to be an earth mother but maybe a superstar too. I think I need to find my tribe...to find people who really relate. Not the stay at home moms who wean their babies anyway and let them cry it out because they're too clingy. Not the people for whom work is everything and who don't mind working 60 hour weeks. People like me, who are caught firmly in the middle, who still wake up a few times a night to nurse a toddler becuase they are just so sweet, who try not to spend money impulsively so as to minimize how much they have to work, who case on projects while reading blogs and avoiding work, who still get a rush from their job when they get the opportunity to really, really focus on it. I would love to hear from people in a similar situation.

And now I'm going back to doing my research on resulting trusts which, I do believe, is coming out very nicely in my favour, which made me realize that the other lawyer, despite being very senior to me and a man, does not know what the hell he is talking about on this particular issue, and is afraid of looking like an ass to his client, and who is attempting to try and bully me into a settlement which, quite frankly, might be inappropraite.

Game on. At least until the baby wakes up.

P.S. I was going to upload photos from Chicago, which was really great and exciting and fun and is probably another factor in why I feel so drawn to that lifestyle right now - we spent every moment together, Katja, without my being distracted by email, phone, and stress. And by the end of the weekend I felt so much more tuned in to her, and I don't want to lose that, it's so precious. But I can't find the bloody camera.

P.P.S. Sigh. I guess things are back to normal.

Flin Flon

I love Flin Flon. It's one of those one-industry towns, in northern Manitoba, about 770 km from Winnipeg. I've been there several times for work, and want very much to bring the kids up camping this winter.

Anyway, it was such a cool trip - so much to tell, but it's 11 p.m. and I have work to do - but the highlights:

Katja was an angel on the plane. Here we are on the way there:









Here is my swanky hotel room - you too can stay here for a mere $120/night












The fabulous office facility (Katja was sleeping in the main room; I had so much work to do in the evenings, I was terrified of waking her)














And the complimentary upgrade to my office chair

I almost called this post...

...'Late Night Musings', then I realized NOBODY will ever read this blog if I right BS like tat. I have a bad ego, I take myself wayy to seriously.

Just counted up the projects - I have 5....6....8 projects on the needles right now. Oops, that's a bit much. What's going on...check my page at to see where stuff is that, I'm slackermom.

Speaking of my beloved website, I decided I'm i love with knitting socks (go figure, everyone else was NOT wrong....it was me...doubting the magic that is sock knitting. The joy of turning a heel, of 'figuring out' the pattern, how a sock works..it's fascinating. I'm so excited to knit a few more pairs so I can master basic sock design (I'm thinking of getting Stephanie's book so I can start with her basic sock recipe.

So - I have one sock on the needles, with my first pair complete, not horrible, and sadly, ripped back and shortened to 8.5" to accommodate the recipient's freakishly small feet. Sorry Lu...but it's true. If you're reading this blog one day and ask yourself if thats you I'm talking about. Yes. It is. Teeny feet.

The rest of the projects - new sock, soaker #4, intarsia longies (Meredith saw these in progress, and said "who made that?"- I said I designed them and knit them, and she said, "that's sooooo coool" - I'm thrilled Meredith is thinking I'm cool. Having a kid in junior high is tough on the ego, it's nice to have the small ones to worship you for a while. I also have grey longies to sell, a garter blankie in Paton's fuzzy bulky stuff but since I read that acrylic isn't sleep-safe and is actually kind of scary vis-a-vis wee sleeping babies, I'm thinking of chucking it and stocking up on wool when I'm in chicago next week. I've also got slippers for Meredith (frogged due to sizing issues....meaning I totally arsed it up), a jonna for me (gauge issues - way too tight), Ice Queen (stalled, I hate the yarn with this project, am struggling to admit defeat). I think that's it.

I want to make some mittens, and knee socks, and a cardigan or cute pullover for me. I want to make a poncho for Meredith, a hat for a friend, socks for Dan, and Meredy's curtains. Plus maybe some lace curtains for the bedroom and a shawl for Phyllis. i must write a post on her, she touched me so much she deserves her own post.

Yawn. Katja will be getting up soon, I'd best be off. She has a wee cold, and is struggling to sleep - I raised the mattress in the crib and the humidifier is on, but she's stuffy and crabby and....ugh.

By tomorrow night I want the soaker done for sure, and at least the waistband on the grey longies. Minimum, the soaker is coming with me all day because it's so mindless. Hope to get to the gusset on the longies - that would be sweet, legs Saturday and finishing and cuffs Sunday. And another soaker.


Totally doable.

I know nothing about knitting

You know, here I was, cruising along, I'm on Ravelry, I have a bit of a blog (not much to speak of), I've got two sets of socks going, one on two circs, one on bamboo DPN's, I've got to rip the first set back so I can modify the pattern to fit a friend's foot a bit better...in short, I am a Knitter. Not making garter stitch scarves, nope not me. In fact, I am now making a blanket that is my Own Pattern. And I think it is going to be quite lovely. I'm not even minding the miles of garter stitch, it's very satisfying.


I went to the library today (Max had ANOTHER day off school....I'm positive I didn't have this kind of time at home with my mom when I was 12) to pick up a few books on patterns, get some ideas for the edging of this blanket, and for the stash that is, if I do say so myself, getting quite nicely stocked, thank you. I even have sock yarn. And laceweight. Even thick/thin and tweed.


Then I got to the knitting aisle (with my baby in her handknit pants and hat (really need to photograph this one) and pored over a few books. I opened, then quickly shut, a latvian knitting book...the charts...omg...two colours...I was momentarily stunned at my incompetence. I've done a bit of intarsia, but frankly it looked like ass - ok it was not that horrible but it was a pain in the ass, that's for sure - I didn't really enjoy it. I felt so bad and incompetent and my stash seemed so inadequate.


Then, to make matter worse, I found the Mason Dixon knitting book. How is it possible that I am a Knitter, I read the Yarn Harlot religiously (I'm even reading the archives and have one of her books, and I read Stitch 'n' Bitch and Domiknitrx. I had heard of Mason Dixon knitting when I saw a few patterns on Ravelry. But Mason Dixon sounded weird, like it would be old fashioned - I don't know, Mason Dixon seems like a historical reference for me, and I don't like it, likely because I don't know the significance. I'm kind of wondering, 'why didn't they tell me? why didn't I know how great this is?'

Anyway, needless to say, I had no idea it was so cool, fascinating, funny, and useful. And that I just found it on the shelf, I didn't have to put it on hold or anything. Check it out

These things amuse me. And I need amusing, I've got to leave Monday for Flin Flon 3 day hearing, which screws up my schedule with the big kids, and really disappointed both of them. I hate disappointing them, but this case is a great opportunity. And here I am blogging about it instead of working on it, or the other 10 really pressing matters on my desk. Ok I feel guitly now. Back to work. I'm on the midnight shift since Katja is so busy during the day that pretty much nothing gets done.

Katja has been so goofy lately, as she grows up her sense of humour really comes out. She just does the funniest things, hopefully the photos gave you an idea as to what our days are like.

The telephone in the closeup is my office line.

The nanny starts next Friday.

brutal

The stupid internets are running slow tonight. I find this blogging thing rather tedious as it is, what with the uploading of photos, etc. I'm always glad I blogged, but when I'm busy I avoid it.

So - I made myself some great warm wool house socks, because I can't find my other slipper. The beautiful shearling slippers that were purchased on the day of Katja's birth, about 14 hours before she was born, whilst I was in hard labour. The slippers I yelled at Dan to come and rescue when my water broke. I love those slippers.

And one is missing. It seriously pisses me off.

So I'm making these warm socks, I take pics, and I'm bragging to everyone on Ravelry how fast I made them. That was about a week ago. I'm wearing them now, as a matter of fact. Except my feet are cold. There are massive holes in the soles of both. I guess this wasn't the right yarn fo the job.

So I made max some socks out of patons and a stash wool, he loves them. They are so warm he takes them off because his feet are too hot. Dan wants some. I finish the first sock for Dan, and Max comes to me asking for a bigger pair, but felted. So now I am going to have two pairs of mens' 8 socks, but only one man to wear them. So I guess I'll be wearing big socks this winter. And now Meredy wants a pair. and I found a nice pattern for another warm sock.

I never really 'got' socks and why people were obsessed with them. But now I get it. They're pretty fast. They're beautiful, they're impressive, and the needles are so little. Love 'em.

I am making two socks. One thick, with a lovely combination of patons and a sturdy grey wool from the stash. One is with a self-patterning sock yarn from Rams. I'm just swatching now. Or rather I WAS swatching, now I'm blogging and my swatch is lying in a heap on teh floor, hopelessly tangled up with my second slipper for Dan. Craptacular. I'm walking away from the situation.