why the f(*Y am I doing this again???

I was feeling pretty discouraged about being a lawyer, I really do not feel I am getting better every day at what I do, and I feel like I'm just stalled, if not going backward, in terms of proficieincy at research and cross-examination. I feel like I'm capable and competent, but I don't feel clever anymore - I don't feel like the little superstar I once was, and I don't like feeling...average, I guess. I don't know if it's being a sole practitioner, or a mom working only part time, or what..I just don't like that feeling that I'm not engaged in my profession. Part of me is looking forward and thinking the next baby is at least 9 months away and how much longer am I going to work like this and keep my career on hold? It's not much fun, I'm in this limbo where I can't focus only on the home and our family and taking care of everybody (which I love love love doing), and knitting and being useful is those ways...because I have to damned job that worry about constantly.

And when I'm working, I feel like family is holding me back from achieving my career potential, and I'm a feminist who shouldn't want to sell knitted things, and take care of her family, and quit her job for a few years.

I really needed to just sit down and do a few hours of work tonight, because as I slog through the backlog of emails and make sure I've taken care of everything I need to, and written down all my hearing dates, and added postage to my postage meter and filed my RST return and...

then I thought, I should really blog this...there has got to be someone else out there, maybe they've lurked on the blog and never commented...but there has got to be someone out there, who really, really loves her career and her children and who wants to be an earth mother but maybe a superstar too. I think I need to find my tribe...to find people who really relate. Not the stay at home moms who wean their babies anyway and let them cry it out because they're too clingy. Not the people for whom work is everything and who don't mind working 60 hour weeks. People like me, who are caught firmly in the middle, who still wake up a few times a night to nurse a toddler becuase they are just so sweet, who try not to spend money impulsively so as to minimize how much they have to work, who case on projects while reading blogs and avoiding work, who still get a rush from their job when they get the opportunity to really, really focus on it. I would love to hear from people in a similar situation.

And now I'm going back to doing my research on resulting trusts which, I do believe, is coming out very nicely in my favour, which made me realize that the other lawyer, despite being very senior to me and a man, does not know what the hell he is talking about on this particular issue, and is afraid of looking like an ass to his client, and who is attempting to try and bully me into a settlement which, quite frankly, might be inappropraite.

Game on. At least until the baby wakes up.

P.S. I was going to upload photos from Chicago, which was really great and exciting and fun and is probably another factor in why I feel so drawn to that lifestyle right now - we spent every moment together, Katja, without my being distracted by email, phone, and stress. And by the end of the weekend I felt so much more tuned in to her, and I don't want to lose that, it's so precious. But I can't find the bloody camera.

P.P.S. Sigh. I guess things are back to normal.